Fraser on Influence - The Importance of Making (Eye) Contact

September 19th, 2006

Do you look people in the eye? I mean, do you really look them in the eye? You don’t. You look away, dodging direct contact.

You’re missing out.

For a few weeks I’ve been testing what Tom Chiarella wrote about in the Aug. edition of Esquire - The Invisible Grip: Maintaining eye contact feels awkward. Even creepy. At first. Then it just feels powerful.

Tom collected power and then unnecessary apologies, Marlboro’s, discounts, and hotel upgrades.

With the exception of power I’ve collected the exact opposite. I’ve collected power and immediately leveraged it into a connection.

Eye contact established and three simple beats of the heart.

They’re confused. This isn’t normal. They awkwardly shift their gaze - eyes moving like a pendulum onto my eyes. And away. And back. Repeatedly.

3 beats of the heart.

I’ve collected the power. Then I really let them have it…

A big smile. A sincere question about them. A compliment.

A connection.

Their response is incredible.

How many of you connect with the random individuals you interact with daily? I’ve started to and it’s rewarding. A smile. A laugh. Observing a stranger pause because you’ve caught them off gaurd by caring is a powerful feeling. It’s warm. It’s beautiful. It’s human.

Unfortunately we aren’t human enough with humans we don’t know.

Eye contact is awkward and uncomfortable at first, but I promise you the connection is well worth the effort.

Viewing 27 Comments

carl 3 years ago 1 point
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Fantastic.I have eyes that find it very hard to focus.They feel like my muscles are very weak, ones behind the eye.I find it very hard to focus when i am tired, but i will try to maintain the focus.I know it is a wondreful gift we have and it is a shame not to use it

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Juli 3 years ago 1 point
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I'm not really good at the eye contact thing, but when other people hold my gaze, it feels so powerful. I can't help trusting people who look into my eyes when we're talking.

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nick 3 years ago 1 point
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Receiving prolonged eye contact will unconsciously ask the receiver to self evaluate. They are unable to read your thoughts and are therefore left with their own self concept. I hope all receivers feel good about themselves, the alternative is very unpleasant.

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Fraser 3 years ago 1 point
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Derek, welcome to the site.

So long as the direct eye contact isn't done in an intimidating way I bet ppl actually will feel comfortable with it.

(can I recommend Widgified for your sites name?)

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http://www.disruptivethoughts.com

Fraser 3 years ago 1 point
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Derek, welcome to the site. So long as the direct eye contact isn't done in an intimidating way I bet ppl actually will feel comfortable with it. (can I recommend Widgified for your sites name?)

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Derek Anderson 3 years ago 1 point
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I have been told that my direct eye contact makes alot of people nervous. This is unfortunate, as I have no plans of stopping. It is the way I am.

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http://sitestuff.blogspot.com/

Derek Anderson 3 years ago 1 point
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I have been told that my direct eye contact makes alot of people nervous. This is unfortunate, as I have no plans of stopping. It is the way I am.

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candice 3 years ago 1 point
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(Thanks! They are actually more shiny than they appear, it's just really difficult to get the mirror finish without it overpowering the pictures.)

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http://egobsd.org/log/

Fraser 3 years ago 1 point
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Dean, love the thought in the first sentence.

Candice, you're right - understanding the right time to leverage the right type of influence is critical. (oh, and nice new shoes - very confident looking :D)

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http://www.disruptivethoughts.com

candice 3 years ago 1 point
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(Thanks! They are actually more shiny than they appear, it's just really difficult to get the mirror finish without it overpowering the pictures.)

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Fraser 3 years ago 1 point
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Dean, love the thought in the first sentence. Candice, you're right - understanding the right time to leverage the right type of influence is critical. (oh, and nice new shoes - very confident looking :D)

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Dean 3 years ago 1 point
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The greatest power is the power you give away. Eye contact does not establish dominance, but conveys importance and power to all parties.

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http://www.foleeo.com

Dean 3 years ago 1 point
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The greatest power is the power you give away. Eye contact does not establish dominance, but conveys importance and power to all parties.

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candice 3 years ago 1 point
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(One more good excuse to buy nice clothes, for the confidence part, at least.)

Sometimes, though, you want to be approachable, rather than authoritative.

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http://egobsd.org/log/

candice 3 years ago 1 point
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(One more good excuse to buy nice clothes, for the confidence part, at least.) Sometimes, though, you want to be approachable, rather than authoritative.

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Fraser 3 years ago 1 point
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Candice, you're absolutely right. Confidence is given by others to those who simply appear confident. A cycle that creates influence.

Before this experiment I made eye contact. But now I make eeeeeeeye contact. There's a difference and it's way uncomfortable at first.

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http://www.disruptivethoughts.com

candice 3 years ago 1 point
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It's not just eye contact, it's having good posture and a confident stance, too. Walking into a room like you own it.

In a lot of ways I'm really good at the "can I have that." I don't even need to ask for things much of the time.

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http://egobsd.org/log/

Fraser 3 years ago 1 point
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Candice, you're absolutely right. Confidence is given by others to those who simply appear confident. A cycle that creates influence. Before this experiment I made eye contact. But now I make eeeeeeeye contact. There's a difference and it's way uncomfortable at first.

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candice 3 years ago 1 point
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It's not just eye contact, it's having good posture and a confident stance, too. Walking into a room like you own it. In a lot of ways I'm really good at the "can I have that." I don't even need to ask for things much of the time.

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Fraser 3 years ago 1 point
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muwahahahahahahaa (evil cackle) <--- seemed fitting with all of this talk about power and unflinching eye contact.

And I guess it could be, as Tom found out. But boy have I enjoyed the positives that can be created.

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http://www.disruptivethoughts.com

Eric Olson 3 years ago 1 point
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Very true. Unflinching eye contact is incredibly powerful.

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http://www.ventureweek.com/blog

Fraser 3 years ago 1 point
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That's a good question - how did we even get to the point where eye contact feels strange. I bet at one point it was the only form of effective communication.

And I'm not talking about looking someone in the eye - most of us do that, to some extent. I'm talking about unflinching eye contact. Now that's powerful.

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http://www.disruptivethoughts.com

Eric Olson 3 years ago 1 point
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Right on Fraser! Eye contact is incredibly powerful because it puts humans in touch at the core. It sounds silly but it is true. I am at the point where I think it is strange if someone doesn't look me in the eye. It makes me wonder if I can trust them.

I wonder how our culture got to the point where eye contact feels strange. At one point in time I am sure it was our best form of communication.

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http://www.ventureweek.com/blog

Fraser 3 years ago 1 point
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muwahahahahahahaa (evil cackle) <--- seemed fitting with all of this talk about power and unflinching eye contact. And I guess it could be, as Tom found out. But boy have I enjoyed the positives that can be created.

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Eric Olson 3 years ago 1 point
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Very true. Unflinching eye contact is incredibly powerful.

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Fraser 3 years ago 1 point
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That's a good question - how did we even get to the point where eye contact feels strange. I bet at one point it was the only form of effective communication. And I'm not talking about looking someone in the eye - most of us do that, to some extent. I'm talking about unflinching eye contact. Now that's powerful.

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Eric Olson 3 years ago 1 point
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Right on Fraser! Eye contact is incredibly powerful because it puts humans in touch at the core. It sounds silly but it is true. I am at the point where I think it is strange if someone doesn't look me in the eye. It makes me wonder if I can trust them. I wonder how our culture got to the point where eye contact feels strange. At one point in time I am sure it was our best form of communication.

reply edit reblog flag